All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
