my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
