I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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