I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
