3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
