Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
