I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
