i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
