She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
