....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
