i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm too high and old for this...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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