The best revenge is premature balding
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
