So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
barbara walters just said penis...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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