im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
