What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
