Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
