i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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