First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I forgot how hot balto sounded
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
