i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
