I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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