When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just invented taco cereal.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
