getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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