babies were throwing up all over the place
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
