I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
