found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
