There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
