As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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