yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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