I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
