I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
