Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
3pm strippers are depressing
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
