I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So here I am, sexting at work.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
