in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
