Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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