the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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