i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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