If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
