census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize