I never want to see another naked old woman again.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
