redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
