I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
