Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
FUCK WHALES
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
