I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
