Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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