i permit you to call me
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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