I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
