I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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