A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
