After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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