There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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