his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
