forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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