youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I am never drinking with the goths again.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
