i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Randomize
