My hand turned me down
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
