Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
