Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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