Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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