When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
