i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
