if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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