Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
