I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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